November 25, 2013 at 10:16am
Hey, baby. How are you? I had another vivid dream about you earlier when I was having my afternoon nap. I was somewhat aware that it was just a dream though, so I got to savor each intimate moment with you.
So, I was having dinner with my parents somewhere I didin’t recognize, and suddenly I just saw you standing a few meters away from our table, looking at me. I just abruptly stood up from my seat, ran straight to you, and hugged you. Honestly though, if it were to happen for real, I’d still totally do the same, ignoring the fact that my parents and the other diners might think I’ve lost my mind to run to nobody.
I hugged you, told you how much I’ve been missing you, and kissed you. I didn’t care, not even one bit, about how you didn’t open your mouth, or how you were unable to speak. I think I’m starting to believe what people say about how the dead aren’t able to open their mouths to speak anymore. I was glad at least you were able to hug and kiss me back, baby. It’s been too long. Way too long since then.
You’re nowhere near anymore, baby, I suppose dreams would just have to do for now.
Of all the things I’ve forgotten, you’re absolutely not one of them.
Hey, baby. How are you doing these days? I hope you’re doing well up there (or where ever you are). I still wish, sometimes, that we could still Skype or whatever. Silly me, I know. I don’t believe in ghosts or supernatural activities, but I’d so kill to see one more glance of you, even if then you’d just vanish into thin air.
Baby, a few days ago, Shinta Kamdani was being interviewed on one of our afternoon shows. I recognized her face from the TV, so I came down right away. Said Hi to her after she’s done with it, talked a bit about you, and she said, “Yeah, we all miss him.” It warmed my heart somehow.
Anyways, yesterday a notable muslim preacher died in a motorcycle crash, leaving a beautiful wife and four kids behind. He’s everywhere in the news, and since, you know, I work at a local TV station, I couldn’t seem to be able to not see it. It shattered my heart the way your news did two years ago.
It got me thinking, why is it that the more dates I have, the more I realize how irreplaceable you are, baby? I just can’t help but to compare, and yes, you’re right, baby, you’ve set the bar too high for everyone else.
Ninety weeks have passed since August 6th, 2011, but still I wish you were still around. I miss you, Iwan. Like, too much. And I might not say this often, but I still love you, I can’t deny it. In fact, I don’t think I will ever stop loving you.
February 23, 2013 at 5:10pm
Day 567 - Part II
A lot of people have been letting me down all my life, but I have never felt so disappointed and hurt when you did. I know you didn’t mean to, but how could you? I know it’s just life being an asshole, and I thought I had come to terms with it. I thought I had finally accepted it, that I was finally able to let you go. But there are times, times like these, where all those mixed feelings and tears come gushing out again, as if it just happened this morning.
Baby, it honestly never crossed my mind to lose you this way. The worst thing I could ever think of was probably losing you to another woman, but never to death. I guess I underestimated what life could do to us. I’m not so sure anymore of how I’m going to move on with my life now. In fact, a few good friends of mine just asked me that particular question last week, but I could only answer them with complete silence.
It seems like I’m back to square one. I thought I could live with your absence—which I’m barely surviving, by the way—but now, everything I do seems pointless. I realized being with you shouldn’t have defined me as an individual, but you gave me a sense of purpose, baby. I have started building my dreams around myself and focusing on my personal growth, but still I feel something is missing.
You are missing from my life, and I am missing you. Terribly. Awfully. Desperately.
"If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I’d walk right up to heaven and bring you home."
Day 567 - Part I
Hey, baby! Aren’t you tired of running through my mind all day? I hope you’re doing well wherever you are. I’ve been meaning to write to you since February 19th, actually, but I was so occupied with my final project exhibition and could barely get up due to flu and shit, so here I am now.
February 19th was the day I had my final thesis defense, and it went great that they announced my graduation, so I’m (un)officially a Bachelor of Design now. (I know, right?! At last! Thank you, I could almost hear you let out a giant sigh of relief hahaha) I just have to revise my paper before I submit it to the campus and that’s it.
If you must know, I was not only glad, but also relieved and sad at the same time. Mostly because I wish you were here with me to celebrate my commencement. This whole thing just made me question my happiness. I know I could never be grateful enough for everything that I have in my life now, but still, what’s happiness if I can’t share it with the one I love the most, which is you?
You are so damn irreplaceable, there’s no one else in the world who could possibly make me feel the way you did, and that’s how I know I would end up as that crazy cat lady people always talk about. *knocks on wood* Anyways, if you’ll excuse me, I have snot to sniffle.
January 13, 2013 at 8:45pm
Hey, baby! How are you doing up there? God knows how much I miss you. It’s pouring hard outside, and all I can think about is you. There’s so much I wanna tell you, I don’t even know where to begin. I seem to have forgotten the way I used to talk to you, but I’m gonna write this to you anyway.
Last night my family and I went to The Dharmawangsa Hotel to attend Andrew and Jane’s wedding reception. It’s nice to see familiar faces there aside from Uncle Tony’s and Aunt Rita’s big families. I had also expected Aming’s presence, cos remember that time during dinner, he mentioned that Jane knew me and that Jane is his niece? Yep. He saw me, and I waved to him. We catch up for a bit, until he slapped my right upper arm after I jokingly called him “Uncle Aming”. Err… Okay…
Then Andrew and Jane entered the venue, dancing and doing other silly moves, and as I glanced around, I saw another two people I used to be quite close to. You will never believe who they are, baby. It’s Gillian. And Irza. We were surprised to find each other at the same party, and apparently, Andrew and Irza were high school mates back in Perth! Guess who else we bumped to there? My aunt Karlina and Uncle Kenny. Apparently Uncle Kenny is a friend of Uncle Tony’s.
As the night got later, the (single) guests got more excited for the bouquet toss session. Even Andre (yes, Andrew’s big brother, whom I used to go out with ages ago) stood there with Caroline, waving their hands to me, telling me to join (which, of course, I said “No” to cos I don’t wanna trip over my own heels, throwing myself into a huddle of dozens of people who had their eyes on the mini iPad). Anyways, Andre stood next to Caroline, who stood next to Gillian, and later when it ended, I asked if he recognized who stood next to Caroline. I was like, “Duh, it’s Gillian. You went on two dates with her, remember?” He paused for a few seconds before he went all, “OOOOH! I thought she was Manohara and I was like, ‘WHO INVITED MANOHARA HERE??’” *facepalm*
As my family and I walked out of the venue, we said goodbye to one of Dad’s closest friend, Auntie Hoey Lee and her husband, who were chatting with Aming. Guess what, baby? Apparently Auntie Hoey Lee is Aming’s big sister. My Dad was like, “AMING! Kenal anak gue juga? Hahahaha” when they both shook hands. Geezus. It was so awkward that I could almost imagine how even more awkward it would’ve been if you were there, too.
Earlier I saw this lady, whose face is so familiar, among Auntie Rita’s friends, yet I couldn’t remember how I knew her or where I met her. I was pretty sure she was Lindra’s sister, whom we had dinner with at Lindra’s house. But she was very occupied at that moment, so I didn’t come to say “Hi”, until she queued behind me while waiting for our cars. I turned to her and asked if she’s, indeed, Lindra’s sister, and she’s like, “No, I’m Aming’s sister. You’re… Andrea, right? You were Iwan’s girlfriend, right?” I was like, “What?? You’re Aming’s sister?!” Then I frantically pulled my Dad’s arm and told him about it, and he’s like, “HOEY IE??” And she’s like, “YAAMPUN R****, INI ANAK LO? UDAH GEDE AMAT?? HAHAHAHAHA!” And she slapped my Dad’s upper arm, just like what her brother did to me. The barbaric nature runs in their family apparently. Smh. I still can’t recall where I met her until now though. Blame my goldfish memory.
So yeah, on the way home, Dad told me that he and Aming and his sisters went to the same high school so they know each other. Later I found out that Rudy and Monica were there as well! Small world, eh? This made me wish you were still here even more, baby. I hope they treat you well up there. Talk to you later! Mwah!
September 16, 2012 at 9:25am
I think I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that nothing is gonna be just peachy all the fucking time. I’ve finally come to terms with bereavement. It’s only been a little over than a year, but I think I can finally feel like I’m “there”. Will I be able to keep this up? Let’s just hope so.
August 29, 2012 at 9:01pm
I think I miss you more than I should. I just don’t know how to get over you, baby.
October 17, 1946
I adore you, sweetheart.
I know how much you like to hear that—but I don’t only write it because you like it—I write it because it makes me warm all over inside to write it to you.
It is such a terribly long time since I last wrote to you—almost two years but I know you’ll excuse me because you understand how I am, stubborn and realistic; and I thought there was no sense to writing.
But now I know my darling wife that it is right to do what I have delayed in doing, and that I have done so much in the past. I want to tell you I love you. I want to love you. I always will love you.
I find it hard to understand in my mind what it means to love you after you are dead—but I still want to comfort and take care of you—and I want you to love me and care for me. I want to have problems to discuss with you—I want to do little projects with you. I never thought until just now that we can do that. What should we do. We started to learn to make clothes together—or learn Chinese—or getting a movie projector. Can’t I do something now? No. I am alone without you and you were the “idea-woman” and general instigator of all our wild adventures.
When you were sick you worried because you could not give me something that you wanted to and thought I needed. You needn’t have worried. Just as I told you then there was no real need because I loved you in so many ways so much. And now it is clearly even more true—you can give me nothing now yet I love you so that you stand in my way of loving anyone else—but I want you to stand there. You, dead, are so much better than anyone else alive.
I know you will assure me that I am foolish and that you want me to have full happiness and don’t want to be in my way. I’ll bet you are surprised that I don’t even have a girlfriend (except you, sweetheart) after two years. But you can’t help it, darling, nor can I—I don’t understand it, for I have met many girls and very nice ones and I don’t want to remain alone—but in two or three meetings they all seem ashes. You only are left to me. You are real.
My darling wife, I do adore you.
I love my wife. My wife is dead.
P.S. Please excuse my not mailing this—but I don’t know your new address.
July 17, 2012 at 10:00am
Cold turkey. I need my Iwan fix asap.
June 10, 2012 at 8:28am
Happy birthday, Iwan! You’re eeeeeverywhere in my thoughts. I love you.